Soldier Eats People
by howdoIremembermyusername
Summary: Cannibalism, also speedhacks and stuff. Really short and crappy sentence structure and organization


It was one fine morning on one fine day that was very fine and had very fine weather.

Soldier, decided it was so fine that he was going to not go outside and reminisce in old memories.

"Ah, here's a good one!" he thought.

**Your Job in Germany **[ /watch?v=1v5QCGqDYGo]

He pulled on his Dr's Dapper Topper.

* * *

The old age propaganda ended.

"WAR, PHONY PEACE, WAR, PHONY PEACE, WAR, PHONY PEACE," it blared.

"Yes! THE WAR, THE PONIES, AND THE PEACE!" Soldier yelled.

He was fueled by it; he believed it.

Then... something hit him.

Today was another routine armistice and war would happen again. He saw it now! He needed to stop this! The Germans... they were everywhere.

And apparently the RED Medic picked a really wrong time to pop his head in. Soldier looked up at him, there was an awkward moment of silence, and then he screamed a bloodcurling battle cry.

"HHHNNNNNNNNNNG!"

He grabbed Medic's head and snapped it. Satisfying kill. But now... there was still more.

Looking outside, he could see it all. THE WAR! THE PONY! THE PEACE!

"Goddamn gay boy gay shit gay gay pornos that them gay boy gay gay youths today watch..."

The pony poster said "Friendship is Magic" on it.

"It's worse than I thought..."

* * *

Soldier contemplated what to do for a few silent moments.

Medic's head popped up again.

"Soldier! Why did you kill me? Today is an armi-"

"AHAHAHHAHAHHHGGGG!"

He killed Medic again.

"Okay, enough dilly dallying then."

Soldier ran outside whooping like a lunatic.

* * *

BLU Scout was playing a game of cards, blackjack, along with the RED Demoman, BLU Spy, and RED Engineer.

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Twenty one right-"

"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnn!"

Everyone looked up at him, and saw he had an Equalizer splayed into his eye.

"Soldier, what in hell are you planning today?"

The Soldier ignored him, and proceeded to hand out Equalizers to everyone's faces. He laughed a sick, twisted laugh. "Mmmmhhhhwwwwggggg." His BLU uniform was now splashed with blood.

He pulled out his Rocket Launcher then, fired it at his feet, but not before blowing the shit out of a MLP poster, and flew off.

* * *

"Guys! Guys! Guys!"

Everyone collectively questioned what the BLU Scout and several other members wanted.

"IT'S THE SOLDIER!" he spilled. "HE'S GONE INSANE. HE KILLED US ALL, just as I won a round of goddamn cards, I might add, WAS TOTALLY HACKING, AND... worst of all..."

He held up a tattered My Little Pony poster.

"NOOOO!" everyone yelled.

Then Soldier busted through the roof, stomping the enemy team's Soldier's head in, and distributed pickaxes liberally into people's facial areas.

Lying in a pool of blood, he celebrated his victory. As he was celebrating, a thin, scraggly skeleton of a man crawled out of his hat. "Mmmmm. This shall do fine."

The man licked up a bit of blood, then ripped out a dead Scout's eye. It was still attached to the body by a slight rope of muscle, but he snapped it off and shoveled it down.

Soldier was undetered, and told the man,"Glad I could help a man out, Dr. Well, I'm off now."

Before he went, he saw a Heavy nomming on a Sandvich at about 5 "nom"s per second.

His face twisted into a wicked smile. But his ears perked up first. One of the Scouts had respawned.

"Yo, Soldier, eat my balls!" He glided threw the air, with a posture clearly on a path to impact with Soldier's face.

However, Soldier grabbed the Scout just as he was about to hit him, and swung him into the Heavy's mouth.

"Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!"

Scout's balls were shredded, and the remainder of his body was soon a bloody pulp as well, mixed in with some Sandvich bits.

"You need a little more iron in your diet though, Heavy!" He shoved a grenade down the RED Heavy's throat, assumed a prone position, and used the grenade to propel himself into the sky and fly away.

On the way out he punched a Medic to death.

* * *

Note: I have nothing against bronies. Nor am I one.

Also, here's a fucked up song for you to listen to while reading this: /watch?v=ivmfTTp-TEE

(Go away songfags, I made this when I probably should of been asleep at 1 o clock in the morning).

Also, the Hurt/Comfort part is just Hurt.

Hurt to everyone, really.


End file.
